You ever do something as a kid, and then look back, and say wow. i was really bad at that.

Thats kinda how I am with EVERYTHING artistic.

But you know what? it makes me feel better. I used to think blogs were damn near the dumbest thing ever, as, why would you want to post your journal online for others to read. But now that I'm where i am in my life right now, i understand. Its not my journal i wanna post online. its that thing i wanna shout, at the top of my lungs, but i know that I'm not aloud to say it to anyone that cares. But katie stopped checking this, and i dont think anyone that knows my name ever will read this, so whatever, .

I miss katie.

I smothered her, as i tend to do, being very co-dependent, and now there is a chance i might lose her forever. But funny thing is... this time i don't think it was my fault. And thats what i want to shout.

For once in my life, something got fucked up, and even though i don't think i was perfect, i don't think its my fault.

Coming to terms with that is what's getting me through this.

I chose this place to type, because i finally got to say what it is i wanted to say, and i know its never going to be read.

As my last message about this, i sight a crappy late night poem i wrote.

If you were ever to take the love I have
and roll it up in a ball
the prince from Katamari Damacy couldn't handle it
and he would probably fall... over and cry.
He couldnt roll it cause it was so much love
he couldnt even push it a bit.
the star it would make when it hit the sky
would make my bunny cry
She would cry from finally seeing the love
I couldnt show with words
With motions or actions through sex or anything
With a star in the sky I could show tomorrow
if katamari were real
until then imagine all the stars in the sky
rolled into a ball
then imagine it was love instead of gas and really hot fire
and you would realize
that it was way to much love for those itty bitty wheels.

I loved that poem. and its as true now as it ever was. I probably wont ever stop loving her. But, that doesn't mean i can't be happy.

Maybe this is what i needed to figure out how to beat depression. something to really knock me into it. So i had to find my way out.

Its kinda like... Im starting to understand things now. Don't i feel all grown up.


BTW. Maybe i'll stick around. Bother Ecta a bit again. I do it every once in a while.